Emotional obesity. Where your heart is so heavy from absorbing the stress, hurts, challenges, and choices of those you care about, I'm left feeling the need for a "compassion" diet. Feeling emotionally bloated.
Needing a Stress laxative.
Children who grow up in a perfect environment are in no way prepared to be functioning adults. I believe that, I really do. And yet, I carry the weight of our imperfect life and it's effects on my family.
If only I could be Spiritually obese, or financially obese, lol.
As all mothers, I love my children immensely. And cognitively I know their choices are not my own, nor are they necessarily my fault, and yet...
Just like I cognitively know eating a pint of ice cream isn't what I really need, I chow down anyway.
I absorb my children's lives the same way. Yesterday I had conversations with my children within moments of one another that left me feeling as though I had done everything wrong. Or was simply absent. It's intense to be invisible and essential at the same time.
I want to lose weight. Emotional weight. I want to not be held hostage by my teens and young adults and afraid to wake everyday for fear of what they will come up with next!
I mean seriously, would having made my kids make their beds everyday have changed the outcomes I am seeing? I realize that if their choices are a result of my behavior, then somehow I have control over their choices and outcomes. But I don't. Influence, yes, but control no. Responsibility? Nope, that is theirs as well.
I believe in redemption. I pray that if I can find peace with my flaws, then the collateral damage caused by them can be diminished as well.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Where do obese hearts go?
Posted by Harlene at Friday, June 10, 2011
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5 comments:
I've missed reading your blogs! They make me feel good knowing that I'm not the only one struggling! I've missed your posts. But then again -- I haven't posted since Jan. either. Here's to summer and hopefully more time to blog!
Your way of describing your emotional state is wonderful. Illustratively decadent and I love it. *I think* if you didn't feel emotionally obese you would be doing something wrong. It's really good that you are so involved in your kids welfare and choices. I'm a little trepidatious to have teen agers, maybe you can write a book and let us all know how we can survive it all?
I sure hope requiring kids to make their beds isn't indicative of their future choices - otherwise I'm in big trouble! I make MY bed every day, and hope it will rub off on them someday. I think really, that's all we truly can do, emotionally as well as physically. Control our own actions and pray like crazy that someday they'll see the light!
Karen's right - your way of expressing things is beautiful and poignant too. It's like poetry.
My heart is breaking with yours. But your kids are GOOD kids. They'll be okay...and you'll make it through this too! Love you!
I tend to absorb things as well....like my kids' choices that aren't so good. Like, comments that aren't good to hear. How do some people brush those things off and NOT absorb them? I don't know.
But you are seriously so good at conveying your thoughts and I like to read them. Just thought I'd tell ya that. Hang in there, friend!
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