I turned 40 yesterday. It was easier than I thought it would be. I had anticipated feeling the "weight" (no pun intended) of middle age to finally hit me. It didn't. Instead I was overcome by many other emotions, mostly gratitude and joy. My life is so much fuller than I could have envisioned for myself.

I spent a lot of time thinking about my birth mother. I was adopted at 16 days old. My birth mother was 19 and had not told any of her family about me. Under the guise of going away to college, she moved to Santa Cruz, Ca and waited for my birth. She read to me and talked to me while she carried me. She struggled with the decision she had ahead of her. In the hospital they didn't want her to hold me. They felt it was too painful for her. Perhaps they didn't have children themselves. She wanted to know me and she felt I would be looking for her. Her voice, her touch. That's how she explained it to me when I met her. She wouldn't sign any papers and she went into the nursery and got me. She told them she had changed her mind. It was the only way she felt she could bond, love, and then prepare to say goodbye. She took me home with her for two weeks. She tells me she didn't put me down. She wanted to drink me in. She had so much to tell me, so much she wanted me to know. After the two weeks, when she finally felt ready, she called the attorney and his secretary came to pick me up. I can't imagine that day for her as she watched the secretary drive away with me. As much as she knew she was doing the right thing, the right thing can sometimes be so hard. Later that day she went home to her parents house. Them being totally unaware of what she had just been through.

I was adopted by parents who thought I hung the moon. I was and still am the light of their life. They are limited tough, and my childhood held a lot of pain. I had inside me a homesick feeling for as long as I could remember. I don't believe it was because I was adopted however. I am sure it had more to do with many of the circumstances of my childhood. When I went looking for God and found Him, that homesick feeling went away. Knowing I was Loved by Him was enough.

I often still struggled though. It was very difficult for me to see and meet so many people who had loving and supportive families. My family loved me as best they could, but they didn't have the skills or emotional resources to ever be supportive. It was really difficult to reconcile how a Loving God could have cheated me so. Clearly he loved these other people more. I even had someone at church once tell me that we "earned" our blessings in this life, including our families and mortal circumstances, based on our righteousness in the life before. I know this is not necessarily true.

When I was 26 I was sitting at home one evening and had the distinct impression to find my birth parents. I have to tell you, I don't think this is necessary for everyone who is adopted, but it is now a part of my story, so I go on. I had been given the name of my birth mother when I turned 18 by my Mom, who is herself also adopted. I don't know why I started thinking about it that night. It hadn't been on my mind for years. I called information in the city where she had grown up. Her number was listed under her maiden name. I called and left a message. I know, what message do you leave? I simply left my name and number. She called back shortly after. I explained who I thought I was and who I thought she was. I waited...she agreed we were a match and said she was so glad I called. We talked for quite a while. At the time I didn't know I had called on her birthday. We talked again the next day and spoke of possibly meeting. We set a lunch date for the following Saturday. My husband didn't want me to go alone, feeling protective of me, so we all flew out to the city where she lives. I had two little boys at the time. As I packed I thought, what on earth do you wear to meet the person who gave you life for the first time?

I was strangely enough not nervous as we approached the door. She was delightful. We talked and ate for 6 hours. My husband said it was like watching twins separated at birth. Not that we look alike, for we don't, but because we talk the same, we have similar mannerisms, the same quirks if you will. Later at dinner the waiter asked if we were sisters. When we explained what was actually going on, and that we realized it was my 26th birthday, that's right I met her for the first time on my birthday, the restaurant manager came over and gave us hugs and a chocolate cake. He asked if Oprah were joining us.

After saying our goodbyes I was struck with so many emotions. It's not a good thing to know you may have an alternative to your family. I have never really "hit it off" with my Mom. We are very different. Different tastes, different interests, different sense of humor. It can be a lonely feeling. My Mom has always depended on me more like a sister or friend or even a parent. I have never been able to depend on her in those ways. Meeting my birth mother and feeling a connection like that stirred up a lot of garbage. I was hurt and angry with God for taking me away from that. Didn't I deserve a loving family too? Why couldn't I have had what I perceived so many others had. Fortunately, I had already learned to work these things out through prayer. I needed to get rid of the yuk I was feeling. I wanted to learn to love and appreciate my parents for who they are and how much they actually had offered me. Not hold on to resentments about who they weren't. I wanted to know that I was wrong, that God loved His children the same. What I discovered was so much more.

Through very personal and sacred experiences I came to know of the immensity of God's love for me. He helped me to trust in the wisdom of His plan for my life and that the Love of my Savior is enough. The peace and strength that comes from feeling the Holy Spirit and knowing that God is with me, more than compensates for all that I may have felt I was missing out on. When I choose to trust Him, I can see those around me as He sees them. I am so blessed. That is what was on my mind yesterday. That I want my birth mother to know how grateful I am and how blessed I was by her decision. Her selfless decision, and I hope she feels at peace about that choice.

She has not ever told her family. She has shared it with her husband. But at the time we met, no one else. She has never had any other children. Her parents are both gone now and I wonder if she thinks about me more often. She is well traveled, well educated, and well read. A life very different from my own. We have not corresponded for over 10 years. She did right me a letter once explaining that she was glad I found her and that she didn't know how to go on with a relationship from here. I agreed, there is no template for this relationship.

I am past just being at peace with my life, I am grateful and thrilled for the life the Lord has given me. I am comforted by the knowledge that He knows who I wanted to become and has chosen experiences to help me become that person. I believe in a life before this one, where we lived with God and with each other. I believe we knew our families and friends and very often wanted to be sent to earth together, as families, so that we could watch out for each other, love one another, and eventually help one another to feel God's love for us.

I know that God does not bless us with temporal things or familial relationships based on our value to Him. For He cherishes each of us. Rather he wants us to return to Him, pleased with our lives and feeling comfortable in His presence. He wants to have a relationship with us that we are aware of. Sometimes that means we have to face and struggle with hard things. He wants us to be witnesses of His love, having a firsthand knowledge, not a hearsay second hand account. He wants to be a part of our lives both to help us and to help us help others.